inspirations and reflections

Good afternoon, my dear
brothers and sisters in Christ.

I am not going to give a
homily today. I will just give a
reflection sharing. It might be long, so
better prepare to sleep.

We are not in the
classroom anymore, so I will not go around and shout in front of you. No more "lori
ba tribunal." No more "so you have that one."

Let me start by
recounting how I ended up here in East Timor.

The Beginning

It was just a joke in the
beginning. The East Timorese scholastics
were joking at breakfast about me having to volunteer for the mission in East Timor. I resisted.

East
Timor is very far. I do not know the language. I have never been out of the country. I never thought of becoming a missionary. I will miss a lot of things. And the list goes on without end.

Until, I began to ask
myself: What makes me a Jesuit? There were many answers. I read
all Jesuit documents at hand. But what
was outstanding is the idea of being
sent to the mission, of going to an unfamiliar place in the example of St.
Francis Xavier. I felt in love with the
idea and I began to wrestle with my desire to be available.

Finally, I wrote a letter
to volunteer for East Timor.  There was no reply, but I already prepared
myself by studying Portuguese and by reading anything about East Timor, especially on education, history and culture. In my mind, I wanted to broaden my experience
and understanding of being a Jesuit—going
to the mission.

Bro. EJ, the Brother who
is going to replace me and he will arrive on May 18, asked me, “Robert, what is your agenda in volunteering
for East Timor?"  I did not answer him straight but deep in my
heart, since I am an educator by profession, I just want to be a teacher. I was ready for English, Physics, Chemistry,
Biology and even Religion. I was ready
for anything as long as it is in the school. And I got only English. But I am
not sad because Fr. Edu gave me the go signal for the Guidance Center.

I was afraid to start it because nobody will
probably continue but it was worth the trial and I have learned a lot. It was in the guidance center that my call to
become a priest has really deepened. It
was in those retreats and recollections that I felt that my call is more than
just a teacher. Most of my consolations
were in those encounters with you, my dear students. Your tears broke my heart but your smiles have
always comforted me.

Arrival in East Timor

It was not easy in the
beginning. The crisis erupted, two days
after our arrival. I and Bro. Agus did
not have Tetum classes. Everybody was
busy and confused. I immediately entered
the classroom to teach. We had to take
care of our refugees in Taibessi. Gunshots were all over. Hearsays
were many. My embassy told me to go home. In the midst of all those troubles, I told
myself to stay calm and stop from complaining because I was the one who
volunteered. Nobody asked me to come to Timor.  It only
started with just a joke. So I just have
to trust that God has called me here and He will take care of me.

True to what I have read
and what I have heard, there are many things that we need to do to improve the
quality of education in East Timor.  In the beginning, I had many ideas. Later, I have learned to accept that we have
to take it slowly and we need people to work together. What is important is the awareness of our
need to improve even if we are confused and finding it difficult.

The Challenges

It was not easy for me
because I cannot just immediately bring what I was familiar with in the Philippines.  The context and the situation are
different. My Jesuit friend told me to
have that learner’s attitude and humility to accept that I actually do not know
much. I have to learn from my everyday
experiences—to open my heart and mind, to accept where the people are, and hope
to dream dreams together with them.

 
My life at CSJ has been
very challenging yet fulfilling. It was
an experience of growing and learning without my superiors always dictating on
what should I do. I was given the
freedom to execute my mission according to my style and creativity. I was given the opportunity to exercise
discernment. This is regency—a taste of
Jesuit life in real apostolic action.

One thing that has kept
me going amidst many frustration and difficulties, sometimes to the extent of
feeling a failure, is the realization that my ministry is not about my success. It is about working for God’s greater glory. It is about giving my self towards the
fulfillment of God’s plan and promise. So with this in mind, I am at peace to leave you and return to my motherland. In the Philippines, we too have our share
of troubles and concerns.

At this juncture, let me
mention some words of gratitude.

Message to the
CSJ Community

Class 3

You were the eager first
year students when I arrived in Sanyos. During the crisis in May 2006, you would even
call me when nobody comes to teach you. I taught English using all the old test papers. Later, some of you became my English Club members. There were many in
the beginning, and then day by day, one by one, you disappeared except for few
like Victorino, Natalia, Villibruno, Sixtus, Chang, Honorio de Maubara, Sixtus,
Joao Paulo, Freddie, Joao Baldoi, Maria Angela, Marlinda and others.

 Because of our early love
affair, it was my great desire to teach you English in Second Year but Fr. Edu
had another plan, so I just followed. You and I were frustrated but now it seems to be the best decision
because when I met you in third year, I already knew how and what to teach you.

 
Many of you became my
frequent visitors at the Guidance Center.  I have a list, but don’t be afraid because I
am already going far away and I will keep your sacred secrets. Thank you for sharing your life with me. Most of the time, I really did not know the
answer but I just tried to accompany you and it has been always very consoling
for me to see you move on, smile a little, and survived. Now, here you are almost to the end. I am very sad not to see you shout for joy on
your Graduation Day. I will always keep the memories of Dare. Those days of wrestling with the Lord will
always bind us to hope in the loving promise of our God. Your documents are with Fr. Quyen. You will receive them on your Graduation Day.

Class 2

Since you were all under
me in first year English, I know you well. I am happy and sad to see you grow. Happy because many of you listened to me and you continued the
fight. Sad because the beautiful girls
and handsome boys that I knew has now become ladies and gentlemen who are
sometimes confused adolescents. You have
become busier—in many things like studies, extra-curricular and most especially
in your love affairs.

 You reminded me of my own
students 10 years ago when I first started teaching. They are now doctors, lawyers, engineers and
teachers. I hope and pray that years later,
many of you will become Dr. Rui, Engineer Aboy, PM ABG, President Mateus Ferrao
of the International Football League and Secretary Albertina of the Department
of Education.

Class 1

I have only taught 1 D
and 1 E but many of you were with me in the English
Club. Some of you visited the Guidance Center.  I wanted to reach out to you but it’s just
impossible. I wanted more interaction
but I told myself that others can do what I cannot—Fr. Quyen, Fr. Edu, Frater
Eugene, your teachers will always be there for you. I am leaving. Frater Agus will follow. Anyway,
Frater EJ is coming. And more people
will come to help you, to accompany you.

 One day, I was talking to
one student who had a big problem with the school—discipline, academics,
family, exhibition of learning and more. In the middle of our counseling session, he told me, “Why is it that the school doesn’t help
us?” It broke my heart. I
asked him back, “Did you ever allow the
school to help you?” And he could
not answer me. He was silent. We have no other intention here at CSJ but to
form you to become men and women with and
for others. All because we love
you. All because we have vowed to
educate you in the Jesuit way. I hope
and pray that you in first year will allow us at CSJ to love you, to accompany
you, to form you and to lead to the best that you can be. You have only just begun.

 
Class 1,
2 and 3

To all of you, study
hard. Learn from the experiences of
others. Never surrender until you have
fully given your best. Learn to laugh at
your mistakes. Cry sometimes, it is good
for your eyes. Laugh, it is even better
for your health. Work and pray everyday.

 
IPA, IPS, or IPL, it does
not matter. What is important is that
you become certified Sanyos graduate.

 
In whatever field you may
be, you will be successful and great. Dream dreams. Define your mission
and vision. Explore possibilities. Try and never give up. Pray and persevere. Work and never be ashamed to start from
below. The sweetest success is to
achieve our goals by the sweat of our brows.

 
CSJ
Teachers

I take this opportunity
to express my heartfelt gratitude to all our CSJ teachers whose friendship and
welcoming attitude has made me feel at ease. I enjoyed working with you. Thank
you for the jokes, the stories, the music and the food we have shared
together. Thank you for allowing me to
enter into your life.

 Thank you very much to those who became like my sisters: Ibu Novi, Mana Nata, Mana Sandra, Sara,
Elvira, Ibu Elis Nuning, Ceci, Cinta, and Carla. Ibu Novi was the first to engage me in a conversation. Mana
Nata was the one who welcomed me as a visitor. Mana
Sandra spoke with me a lot and taught me Tetum. Sara
was my close companion in the Guidance
Center. Elvira took and received my responsibiltes with Timor Aid. Thank you.!

Thank you very much to those who became like my BROTHERS: Mestri Xisto
Soares, Mestri Estaquio, Mequi, Mestri Xisto Viana, Pak Yus, Pak Fuca, Mestri
Gil, Efrem, Almerio, Mestri Teodoro and  Mestri Nico. I and Mestri Estaquio argued
and discussed a lot about education. I
asked Pak Estaquio to continue to
help us Sanyos forward.

 
Thanks to those who became like my ELDER
BROTHERS: Mestri Gilberto, Maun
Agus, Mestri Teofilo, and Pak Paul.

Thank you very much to those who became like ELDER  SISTERS: Ibu Lucy, Ibu Elisabeth, Ibu Tuty, and Ibu
Maria. They don’t talk much, however when I enter the Teachers’ Room, i can
always feel their attention and care.

Thank you very much to those who became like ny BIG ELDER BROTHERS: Pak
Saver, Pak Joaquim, Pak Tom, and Pak Sabino. These elder brothers became my
guide and they taught me a lot about Sanyos and Timor. They are like pillars of Sanyos.

 
Thank to those who became like my my mothers: Madre Helmi
no Madre Fidelis. Thank you for the food and for your silent presence yet full
of love.

Thank you to all our
part-time teachers, most especially our Portuguese teachers and those I have
failed to mention. I am very sorry
because I have not memorized your names; however you have been always with your
sweet and wide smile.

Thank you and I am very
sorry if I have uttered some words or did some actions that hurt you.

We are one big CSJ
family. You are our partners in this
very noble task of shaping and forming the hearts, minds and hands of our
students. Your mission is to build the
Timor Leste of the future. Good luck.

 
Jesuits

I thank Fr. Edu for his
trust and confidence in me. He was open
to listen to my ideas and suggestions. After two years, I now understand why there are many things that we
cannot yet do. Fr. Edu has the fire for magis and excellence, but our
context is different, our limitations are many, and our resources are
limited. Sometimes alone, he bears the
heavy burden of making this school moves on, of making things happen.

 
I thank Fr.Quyen for his
words: “Robert, focus on your time with the students. Enjoy your regency. Let us take care of the administration and
management.” In the beginning, I was thinking of many things. I was overwhelmed by the magnitude of the
need to do better in our mission. I felt
very small in the vastness of our challenges. The assurance of Fr. Quyen gave me the reason to live in the present, to
be true to my mission as a Regent and to build relationships, relationships
that have made me more human, Christian and Jesuit.

 
I thank Bro. Agus and
Bro. Eugene. I and Bro. Agus have been
studying and working together for four years now, from Arrupe International
Residence in Manila,
then here at CSJ. So, we know each
other very well. Thank you for the
support and friendship, for the stories and reflections we shared together.

GOD

Above all, I thank God
for making all these things possible.

I am returning back to
the Philippines
for Theology. And my heart is filled
with joy and gratitude because of all the graces and blessings I have
received. It was difficult in the
beginning but now as I leave, I feel like leaving another home, a place where
my heart has learned to rest, but as a Jesuit, the mission continues and as St. Augustine would  say,
our heart will remain restless until our hearts rest in the Lord.

And that is the point of
our gospel today: “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You have faith in God, have faith also in
me. In my Father’s house there are many
dwelling places. If there were not,
would have I told you that I am going to prepare a place for you?” This is the promise of Jesus. He made the same promise to me before coming
to Timor.  That is why I like very much to
sing: “Do not be afraid I am with
you. I have called you each by name. Come
and follow me. I will bring you
home. I love you and you are mine.”

 
I was worried before
coming here, and it was very complicated and confusing when I started, and then
I learned to surrender to God. I asked
Him to help me find my place here in Timor. And truly Jesus has already prepared the
place. Amidst troubles and difficulties,
I witnessed how the people held on to their faith. That made feel I belong here.

In the gospel today, Jesus
says, “I am the way and the truth and
the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus centered his life on loving his Father. All he did—ministry and miracles—reflected
his desire to do God’s will. He was
centered on loving God and neighbor. That is one of the realizations I received here. That is why some
students would say, “Brother, why are you always smiling?” I have many problems and worries, and they
will never end, but I have slowly learned to let go and let God be the center
of my life. I entrusted everything to God. With my weaknesses and sinfulness, I am still
trying hard to follow the Lord. At the end, I can sing: “You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk
on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up… To
more than I can be.”

Next week, around this
time, I will return back to the Philippines.  I wanted to stay longer, even just to finish
the school year. However, my schedule
would not allow it. Two years was too
short and too fast and more can still be done. However, I must go and continue my studies. Two years or many years, it does not
matter. What is important is that we
have enjoyed our time and journey together, and we have created memories,
memories that I will continue to cherish in my heart.

Today, I invite you to continue
to place our trust and confidence in the Lord Jesus Christ who is our way, our
truth and our life. Amen

Thank you very much.

March 26, 2007

Why do they become arrogant and domineering when they are in power?   I have always asked this question every time I see student-leaders of our school bully their classmates.  It’s not about giving clear commands; it is more of trying to control and to threat their classmates to follow them by force. 

This may not be something unique in this country but as I observe them, I sense that this is not just about commanding people forcefully in order to get things done but there is some sort of a psyche that you have to conquer before things get done.  Probably, it is because they have in their sub-conscious, those long years of being subjected to this way of leading, may it be in school, at home and in the community.  The colonizers and invaders destroyed their culture and identity, and they were forced to follow the manner of thinking and doing of those in power.  That would not be possible without force and coercion.

I observed that when somebody tells the students to do something, if the power of the one giving the command is not strong, the student would just usually look with a blank stare.  It is probably true anywhere in the world but I find it very unique here (at least for now).  They look at you with a blank stare but not totally empty, you can feel the traces of anger in the glow of their eyes, resentment sometimes—all hidden and suppressed.  This is probably because they are still students, powerless and trained not to express what they feel and think.  Or they are just hardheaded, lazy or rebellious? 

This morning I saw it in the eyes of the students who I scolded because they did not prepare their room for the examination.  These are the brightest of their batch.  No initiative.  They hate to be told what to do (probably normal for teenagers).  They wait for commands yet you must be strong enough to get things done. 

Like anywhere, there are some exceptional kids, they who are well educated, well trained and well disciplined by their parents.  These students are those who are aware of their strengths and weaknesses as a people, they ask questions and they are critical with what is going on in their country.

For several months, I have personally witnessed how they (teachers and administrators) employ corporal punishments to the erring students.  It was not a shock for me because I have already heard about it before coming here and I also experienced it back in the Philippines.  I know that this kind of negative reinforcement has some negative effects to our students.  I don’t agree with this method, so I tried to find ways to communicate my personal beliefs and opinions against corporal punishment.

The teachers, the disciplinarian and even the Director tried to explain their actions to me. Their line of reasoning was not new; I expected them.  It seems like they are still operating in times of political control when people follow what those in power say.  East Timor is now free and the young people are aware of it.  They (teachers and administrators) have to look for new ways of thinking and doing so that the students will become more responsible and critical thinkers for themselves and not just dictated by the powerful who are not always right.  They have forgotten that coercion and domination by power will not last long.  It will be successful for a short time but later, what kind of citizens have we formed?

As a missionary in a foreign land, I have to be very careful not to offend the local people (particularly my students) or else I will be rejected or deported.  But as I entered into their lives I cannot help but challenge them so that they will perform better according to their potentials.

One experience I have which is not actually unique in East Timor but it’s only magnified because I am a foreigner is that of how my students relate to me.  Sometimes, I ask, “Why do they relate very well to me?”  Is it because I have something to offer?   Is it because they just want to please me because I am a Jesuit?  Is it because I am also very nice to them?  The latter is what I believe and that keeps me happy and alive amidst trials, fears and confusions in this country for almost a year now.

It’s not good to have this suspicious attitude especially for a missionary who is supposed to receive people as they are and bring them closer to God.  However, human as I am and with my negative experiences, I sometimes fall on my biases and prejudices.  Sometimes, I wonder whether those early missionaries in the Philippines also thought the same towards the Filipinos.  This thought makes me more considerate and understanding to the East Timorese.  This has helped me find ways to relate to my students.  After all, there is a common thread that connects our history—colonization, invasion, discrimination, poverty, and dirty political games.  East Timor has just begun while the Philippines has long been free yet still struggling too with the rotten system dominated by political intrigues.

Probably, the grace I need now is to transcend my personal bias and prejudice against the people I am sent to work with.  “To give and not to count the cost,” is very real here.  You offer something good but most of the time you’ll receive very cold response.  Perhaps, they don’t understand what I mean or appreciate what I dream for them.  Sometimes, after they have gotten something, what follows is a quick “thank you” but no concrete action as to ammend what you have pointed out.  I am very aware that it would be a very long process.  And I don’t mean to end just that.  I will continue to hope and trust that in God’s time, these people I have served will also move on and develop to become what God has desired for them.

Viva Filipina!  Viva Timor Leste!

In the beginning, I was always tempted to say, “In the Philippines…we do this and that.”  After a while, I was always reminded that my country also has a number of problems and difficulties.  So, instead of complaining, I used my experiences to think and explore possibilities to help them move forward.  I assured them that their problems are not theirs alone.  I encouraged them to learn from the experiences of other countries, especially those in Asia.

When I came here, I had great plans and ideas but slowly I realize that they are not just ready.  We have to give them time. It does not mean that we stop and join the passivity and complacency of the many; we just have to start with where they are at this point in their life as a country and as a people of a new and struggling nation.  We challenge them, yes, but we should know them first so that they cannot use our differences as an excuse not to follow the ways we would propose. 

In all these, we must always be ready to face and accept rejections because by history, the East Timorese people have been resisting colonizers and invaders—the outsiders.  The wounds of colonization and invasion are still wounding even with forced attempts for healing.  Many souls are still crying for justice.  Many hearts are still bleeding.  Many hearts and minds are still confused.  Many bodies are still aching.  Many lives are still in ruin.

Today, we are in times of uncertainty.  While they enjoy their independence and liberty, like a young and learning child, they are still exploring how to live as free and responsible citizens of their beloved Timor Leste.

Written during an examination while the students were in total silence, battling with the test questions.

A letter from a young Filipino Jesuit in Colegio San Jose (St Joseph’s College) Dili:
http://www.jesuitmission.org.au/index.php?page=77

Dear Friends,

So far, we are the only school in the whole of Dili where classes are going on in the middle of hearsays and chaos. The local newspapers have noted it and even the international media came to our school.  Fr. Edu faces them and he has been moving here and there, giving almost daily briefing to students and faculty.  So, he has no time to sit down in front of the computer. He also teaches English to the graduating classes.

Colegio Sao Jose has also now become a refugee centre, as it has always been in the past years, where people bring whatever they treasure, including chickens and monkeys. Children, big and small, are all over the vicinity, playing, running, sleeping and crying.  Collegio Sao Jose is like one big house for them.  This is my first real experience of a refugee centre. East Timorese from the east and the west are here, peacefully living together.  Fr. Edu has always challenged the students to think as real Christians, that we are all brothers and sisters.

Two-thirds of the rooms at Colegio Sao Jose are occupied by refugees.  One-third is reserved for classes.  We have irregular classes.  We combine classes with 2 sections for each year level.  Many of our teachers are also refugees here at the College, so they can just come and teach.  However, most of them are frightened, stressed, confused, troubled and worried, so they cannot focus.  Fr. Edu asked Agus and I to stand by, be ready to enter whatever class, to teach English or Computer.  It seems that I have already tried all the techniques I have known and recalled from my high school days.  I am happy with the response of the students. They have been willing to learn and patient enough to bear with my limited Tetun.  I am enjoying my teaching and at the same time learning of the Tetun language.

Fr. Edu is in full control of the situation here.  He knows the psychology of the students.  He has a wider perspective of the political and cultural background of the people.  He has been inculcating in the minds and hearts of the students, the importance of education for their future, the meaning of becoming "Men and Women With and For Others" and on how to be critical in receiving hearsays and information.  He has empowered them to monitor movements of people in the campus, cook their food, clean their school and slowly, slowly think for themselves.

Today, more than 1/3 of the students still come to school, roughly around 200. Around 100 of them are refugees also at Colegio Sao Jose.  Some are with their families who are also here while others are on their own.  So, Fr. Edu has to look for rice and water.  He assigned some students to cook and they are supervised by our teachers.

On the second day of the intense fighting when gunshots were all over and all day round, Agus and I were trapped in school.  So, we ate lunch with our students at 2 pm.  That time I just thought of the New Year celebration in the Philippines.  However, when students started to scream and cry, I was also a little bit startled.

Now, it is quiet, although violence is still rampant around the other areas of the city. Day by day at Colegio Sao Jose, the number of students going back to school is increasing.

As soon as possible, Fr. Edu is planning to issue certificate of graduation to the graduating students while waiting for the national exam if it will push through.  The peace and order situation is uncertain, until when, we do not know.  So, the certification would enable students to apply for study in the university abroad and would also enable them to look for possible scholarships.  The undergraduates can still recover next school year.  Hopefully, the declaration of a State of Emergency by President Xanana will improve the situation.  What we are afraid of is the possible declaration of a martial law with a divided military and or the worst scenario is the civil war.

Agus and I are still observing, learning and familiarizing the people, the culture and the language.  At Taibessi, we also have refugees, but most of them come at night. We have been receiving assistance from the government, other NGOs and benefactors, so we just facilitate the distribution.  Our senior Jesuits here have been very edifying, guiding us, and gently immersing us to real apostolic action.

In the Spirit of the First Companions,

Schol. Roberto M. Boholst, SJ

An article I wrote for the The Windhover, the Philippine Jesuit Magazine for its December Issue in honor of the Missionary Zeal of St. Francis Xavier.  Written in late November 2006.

It all started with a breakfast joke at Arrupe International Residence.  Fr. Riyo, the former Socius to the JCEAO President, jokingly told me, “Sige Bert, volunteer for East Timor, we need people in the mission.”  I would just laugh because I never seriously thought of going out of the Philippines.  When I joined the Jesuits, I had a clear picture of myself teaching in one of our schools.  That would be enough.  So every time they would tease me about going to the mission I would just brush aside the idea and change the topic of conversation, until I found myself wrestling with the silent voice telling me to make myself available for a teaching regency in East Timor.

Way back in high school, I did not know much about Xavier but my Religion teacher would always tell us in class that part of St. Ignatius of Loyola’s strategy to convert Xavier was to tell him, “What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his soul.”  It had a deep impact on me so that even if I come from a poor family I did not dream to become rich.  In the silence of my heart, a desire was born: to be a Jesuit. 

On some occasions, while looking at the wooden statue of St. Francis Xavier in the balcony of our school, I would silently ask, “How could I be like him? Someday, I will be…” I did not take it very seriously because back then I thought it would be impossible.  When I remembered this scene during my 30-Day Retreat, my heart was filled with gratitude for all the good things the Jesuits had done for me and for my people in Olutanga Island. 

On my way to East Timor, I had to pass by Singapore and Bali.  While up in the sky, flying on a modern and sophisticated airplane, I just thought of how Xavier traveled in his time.  He had to face the turbulent seas and long voyage but because of his great zeal for the mission, nothing could stop him.  He could have stayed in Rome and help build the fast growing new religious order but with the sickness of one of the first companions; he took over the mission to the east in a single day’s notice with a great sense of availability.  These thoughts consoled me in my sadness of leaving home and affirmed my decision to be available for the mission in East Timor.

I came to East Timor with so much excitement on how I could possibly contribute in the Jesuits’ education apostolate.  Before my regency assignment, I was in East Timor for a one-month exposure and I saw that there are so many things that we could possibly do.  Since education is my passion, it has greatly influenced my decision to tell my Superiors, “Here I am, send me.” Furthermore, I became more eager because I learned that we were about to set the direction of our fully owned Jesuit school.  However, many things went wrong with the prospective land for the new school site and the political crises erupted, so I had to face frustrations and disappointments.  With this, I tried to familiarize their educational system and I realized how behind it is and how overwhelming the needs are in terms of teaching, management, administration, curriculum and other basic school services.  I felt so small in the midst of all these problems.  Where shall we begin?  Can I contribute something?  Here, we are still talking about the basics and not yet about the complicated process of making all areas of a Jesuit school function efficiently and effectively. 

In the beginning, I really did not know my job description because there was no school handbook that would specify my duties and responsibilities; there was no clear direction in terms of coordination and subordination.  Since I already had an experience of teaching and administration, I just self-orient myself.  By profession, I am a high school Science teacher but because of the language problem, I am, by default, a teacher of English as a Foreign Language.  In order to teach better, I have to learn Tetum, which is the local language.  I picked up Tetum very quickly but the problem is, my students are more familiar with Bahasa Indonesia because most of their lessons are in Bahasa.  By 2008, they hope to have Portuguese as the official language of instruction but in terms of textbook, curriculum materials and teachers, they are not yet ready.  There is a real confusion in terms of the language of instruction so that I cannot blame my students if they cannot quickly follow my teaching.  What keeps me going is my love for teaching, which is not only confined in the four walls of the classroom.  My goal is clear, that of educating the young so that they can escape from the dark cave of ignorance and become responsible and good citizens.  Now I am talking in educational terms but I think this is also the same with what Xavier wanted, “digging into the souls in order to free them from their sins and to enable them to serve God” in ‘producing’ “great fruit.” Jesuit education is not just for academic competence but also most importantly for the formation of the total human person. 

Inserting myself into a new situation and context was not easy but I always remember Xavier’s unquestionable and total availability to go where there is greater need.  He was not specifically prepared for the mission because he was meant to be Ignatius’ secretary but he survived.  That gives me reason to hope for a meaningful and fruitful regency.  At some point, I thought of the many things I could have prepared before coming here.  I should have joined the OMIOD seminars and the Regents’ Workshops.  It’s over so I better focus on the present.  I tried my best to interact with the teachers and the students and ask questions from key lay administrators.  I was tempted to give answers and suggestions but I tried to be careful not to sound like another know-it-all stranger. 

Xavier did not really have a specific mission preparation for the Asian context.  He just learned from experience.  I wonder how he learned the local language, which was not only one, yet he courageously tried to enter into the local life and culture with one clear goal –to save souls.  With this example, I realize that so many miracles could happen if we allow the grace of God to operate in our vulnerabilities.  As a Jesuit, I am aware of the call to do anything for all men, for the greater glory of God.  As I began my regency, there was always a creative tension between initiative, creativity, boldness, prudence and establishing harmonious relationship with those I work.  More than teaching, I learn a lot on how to work in solidarity with the people and to adapt into the local situation. 

I am not a language teacher, I tried to write a syllabus for English teaching so that we have something to follow, evaluate and improve on for better English instruction.  However, I felt that teaching is not enough because our lay partners can do the same.  So I also explored something new –that is to formally start the Guidance Center coupled with some Campus Ministry work.  It is something very integral to the total educational process and nobody is doing it.  With the stressful situation, long history of traumatic experiences, pains and hurts, counseling is very relevant to provide a venue for healing and reconciliation.  I also hope that this could be the venue for the integration of Ignatian Spirituality to the educational activities of Colégio de São José, which at this point is still searching for its Jesuit identity.  Even our teachers need so much in terms of formation, not only in terms of pedagogical skills, but also most importantly as educators of a Jesuit school.  So far, CSJ is highly esteemed in East Timor and we probably have the best teachers and students but we still need to do a lot of work so that our students will truly be formed to become men and women for and with others.

For the past six months since I arrived here in East Timor, the political crisis has continued and nobody knows when it will end.  The school atmosphere has been always very volatile and insecure just like the rest of Dili, East Timor’s capital.  On some afternoons, right in front of our school gate, young men who are members of a gang or drunkards are throwing stones at each other.  One afternoon, when the students were going home, one of our students was almost hit by rama ambon, an improvised arrowhead.  That same afternoon, an arrowhead hit one of the seminarians in our neighboring Minor Seminary while cleaning the seminary grounds, luckily on his thigh only.   Occasionally during the night, people stone the tents of our refugees in the school.  Our classes are not always complete because students have difficulty in finding transportation when their neighborhood is in trouble. 

Many of our teachers and students have lost their houses and belongings.  They are now staying in different refugee camps, which lack water, light, privacy and proper sanitation.  So, I could not expect full cooperation and enthusiasm from our teachers and students.  It is sometimes overwhelming, disappointing and frustrating.  What is the government doing?  Where is the Church during these difficult and trying times?  What’s the point of having all these international forces when the situation remains the same?  How about the Jesuits?  I always go back to my Philippine experience, and then slowly wake-up and face the realities of where I am now.  Sometimes, I think, “What’s the point of planning, dreaming and designing something when it seems like failure is waiting at the end?”  I only have two years.  Perhaps I better focus on ordinary classroom teaching. 

Back to Xavier again, he lived with high ideals and seemed destined to find his only happiness in working for a definite goal.  However, he was always grounded in his consuming love for God and for the souls of his fellow men.  He was so focused in his desire to do the will of God so that he was willing to take all the challenges he encountered.  Much has to be learned from Xavier.  He faced the harsh seas, traveled far, catechized and baptized many, trained future priests and built the foundations of evangelization in Asia but it was just the beginning, much was left undone.  He died early at 46, alone as for the most part of his life, far away from his beloved friends in the Lord, and he was just about to enter China, a goal that again he failed to reach. 

Xavier’s frustrations and failures were many and he saw in all these proof of his own incompetence yet he strove with might and power to give without reserve the little he had to give. I think this is also my concrete invitation now, to face and accept my strengths and weaknesses so that I will be able to give more without counting the cost.  Looking at Xavier’s life, we can see that there is greater greatness than the greatness of success and that is the greatness of failure for that is the greatness of being, not of doing.  His greatness was not just on what he successfully accomplished but also on what he wanted to do yet fail.  He did a lot of sacrifices and those who came after him reap the fruits of his labors.  Missionary work is like working in the field; you need to cultivate the soil, sow the seeds, nourish the young, and watch them grow yet the harvest is not always yours to reap.  After all, we are just workers in the vineyard of the Lord.

In difficult moments, I would just remind myself to do what I can, to provide opportunities for my students to know themselves and to know more about God.  I am aware that it is very hard to measure success in student formation because we cannot immediately see the fruits.  So when I think of the future, I would just tell myself that I am doing my job not for personal success but for the glory of the Lord who has called me in this least Society.  Success or failure, it does not matter, what is important is that I have given my best for the mission entrusted to me.  I always think of the many Jesuits who have continuously given their best even if it seems that nothing has significantly changed, the same old questions and problems, and the mission seems endless. 

I come from a mission area and now here I am, a missionary in East Timor.  Though I am a stranger here, most of the time I feel very at home because we have the same problems although different in context.  I draw from my very own experiences and background in times I ask about what could be done and on how to approach issues.  I can easily identify with the poverty, sufferings, problems, uncertainties and insecurities of the people and if I allow my emotions to rule over my mind I would become so helpless.  So, I allow my being a Jesuit to work so that I can lead my students to dream dreams, to believe in themselves, to trust in God and to hope in His love and mercy amidst all the troubles and chaos they are facing today.

As I move on, in times when I ask about what it means to be a Jesuit, I just look at St. Francis Xavier, compare my following of Christ with his, and slowly I feel the smallness of what I have done and the shallowness of my worries and concerns.  Xavier’s life inspires me to embrace my weaknesses and limitations, to make use of whatever is at my disposal, to do what is ought to be done and to dispose everything in my life unto the will of God, knowing that what I am after for is not my glory but God’s.

from a Neophyte Missionary’s Perspective

East Timor is a predominantly Catholic country.  During the Portuguese rule for four centuries, only around 30% of the East Timorese embraced the Catholic faith.  However, during the Indonesian occupation when every citizen was required to profess a particular faith, most of the East Timorese became Catholics.  Thus, many of those conversions were only in name and they still continued with their customs and traditional way of life. 

The Catholic Church, particularly in the field of education, has greatly influenced the cultural, political and social development of East Timor.  Today, the Catholic faith is deeply embedded in the life and culture of the East Timorese.  As a result, the Church, though meant to be working for the spiritual nourishment of the people, have become a very important political force in this very young and still struggling country that is still striving to work on healing the wounds of the past and building institutions for a better future. 

The Church has earned the deepest respect and trust of the people so that in times of crises and chaos, the people instantaneously run to the parish churches, seminaries, Catholic schools and religious houses.  With the Church leaders’ power and influence, they can positively contribute to the progress and development of this country by keeping the moral standards high in order to ensure equity, justice and peace.  On the other hand, the Church is also perceived to be going against the government and to be siding some political groups.  Consequently, whatever statement the Church issues, there will be different interpretations, especially now that the political situation has become very complicated.  Once again, the Church is in a dilemma whether to be politically active or to be indifferent because both actions will certainly gain supporters and critics. 

While trying to play an important role in the national development, reconstruction and reconciliation, the Church in East Timor is also working hard in its efforts to re-evangelize the people who claims to be Catholic Christians yet live a life contrary to the gospel and the teachings of the Church.  In doing so, they have a very strong desire for inculturation, trying to be one with the universal Church and at the same time clarify their identity as East Timorese Catholic Christians.  Much is still to be done and probably the re-evangelization should begin with those actively involve in the Church who are still perceived to be conservative.  The challenge is on how to empower the people, to actively involve the lay and to foster an informed spirituality and not just a devotional Catholicism.

There is so much work to be done and everybody is working hard, the local Church and the missionaries are trying to consolidate their efforts to help build a bright future for the next generation of East Timorese in terms of education, livelihood, health and other basic social services.  As usual, money is a crucial factor for the completion of many projects but with the help of generous benefactors from all over the world, the Church of East Timor has been able to move forward in fulfilling her mission to bring the people closer to God here on earth and hopefully in the life hereafter.  Probably, with more capable national and local political leaders, the Church can already focus on the spiritual needs of the people instead of delivering social services that should have been provided by the State.

Like the State, the Church of East Timor is still very young in terms of responding to the challenges of the recent times according to their context.  There is still a great need to develop an awareness of their identity as an East Timorese Church and on how they can work together to achieve their dreams as articulated in their mission and vision.  The Church leaders have been working diligently in setting directions, planning and designing programs and activities, but the big question now is in the implementation of their initiatives.  With the recent political crises and the ongoing troubles in the capital, all activities are hanging.  The current situation shows that even with the separation of the Church and the State, in reality they should work together for the benefit of the people.

With a very crucial role in the political life of the country, the Church of East Timor can greatly contribute to the progress and development in whatever areas of endeavor but this demands a firm balancing act, a wider vision, strong will, and prophetic character.  There are always frictions with the government yet through dialogue and critical collaboration, the Church can always try to be cooperative with the State amidst ideological differences.  On the other hand, the State should also recognize the influence of the Church and tap it as catalytic force to move forward peace, progress and development in the country.

As a Filipino missionary here in East Timor, I cannot help but compare and sometimes identify with some of their problems, issues and concerns.  Though the history and context are different compared to the Philippines, the tension between the Church and the State is parallel.  How far should the Church be involved in political and secular affairs?  Could the Church afford to be indifferent in the face of corruption, poverty and injustice?  How could the Church and the State creatively work together and critically collaborate on common projects while paying attention to their particular agenda and interests?  These same questions we also need to ask in the Philippines.  After all, the Church and the State are working for and with the same people.

This article was written for the UP Chaplain News Bulletin (September 2006), a newsletter of the Arrupe International Residendce Jesuit Scholastics working at UP for their Apostolate.

27 September 1976-30 Dececmber 2006

Roberto M. Boholst, SJ

Today, I am just inspired to sit down and look back the past 30 years, 3 months and 3 days of my life.

My heart is full of gratitude for all the good things God has blessed me through the years.

My parents would always tell me how they had to take care of me because I was sickly and very fragile as a baby.  And true, I grew up physically weak and emotionally unstable yet here I am able to go beyond the limits of my initial world.

I always remember how my maternal grandfather taught me the basics of ABC and how my mother cheerfully accompanied me in my basic intellectual exercises.  Those years in elementary were always filled with silent dreams and vibrant hopes for a better tomorrow.  My consistent winning over obstacles and my perseverance with life’s contradictions gave me enough motive to move on and explore the impossible.

My Xavier High High School days were full of discoveries, discernment and decisions that brought me to where I am now.   I had to resist discrimination, despair and narrow-mindedness of those around me.  I had to burn candles so that I can pass through the dark cave of ignorance.  I had to walk through the muddy roads in order to reach the palace of intellectual growth.  I had to wrestle with shame and adolecent’s self-centeredness in order to work for my tuition.  I had to bracket my fantasies and emotional curiosity so that I can keep my intellectual training as disciplined and focused as possible.  I had to make sacrifices.

It was not only me.  My parents had to bear with my little contribution to the farm.  My sister had to take some of my tasks.  I was lucky to have had hard-working and creative teachers.  I was fortunate to have an aunt who was generous and  dedicated to our bright future.  I was blessed with true friends who were with me, accepted me and truly loved me silently.

The dreaming continued in the august hall of the Ateneo de Zamboanga University where I honed my passion for education.  It was there that I began to look beyond the personal, dream for the universal and nurtured magis in my heart.  Those years were filled with abundant possibilities, constantly sharpened by prayers and reflections yet always threatened by the finitude of life and actualities.  I survived and on my graduation day I was triumphant together with my family.

The academic world offered me great challenges and abundant chances of achieving career breaks in so short a time.  Pilar College turned out to be the perfect school for my educational experiments and initiation to the noble tasks of forming young men and women to become the best that they could be.

My desire to become a Jesuit never stopped on lingering in my heart and mind so that amidst flickering resistance and real fears from those I love and from me personally, I went against the flow of a rising career. 

And after a year of intensive discernment at Arvisu House Jesuit Prenovitiate, I finally found my road to Novaliches where I had to start all over again in a new life of self-rediscovery and of nurturing a deep personal relationship with God.  After considering all that I am and all that I have, I finally offered myself to the service of God in the Society of Jesus.

The Juniorate year at Loyola House of Studies prepared me to hurdle the rigors of Philosophy. 

Philosophy at Arrupe International Residence widened my horizon and my worldview.

Now, here I am on Regency at Colegio de Sao Jose in Dili, East Timor.

Life is a Warfare: a warfare between two standards: the Standard of Christ and the Standard of Satan. It is a warfare older than the world, for it began with the revolt of the angels. It is a warfare wide as the world; it rages in every nation, every city, in the heart of every man. Satan desires all men to come under his Standard, and to this end lures them with riches, honors, power, all that ministers to the lust and pride of man. Christ on the contrary, invites all to fight under His Standard. But He offers no worldly allurement; only Himself. Only Jesus; only the Son of Man; born an outcast, raised in poverty, rejected as a teacher, betrayed by His friend, crucified as a criminal. And therefore His followers shall not be confounded forever; they are certain of ultimate victory; against them, the gates of Hell cannot prevail. The powers of darkness shall splinter before their splendid battalions. Battle-scarred but resplendent, they shall enter into glory with Christ, their king. Two armies, two Standards, two generals… and to every man there comes the imperious cry of command: Choose! Christ or Satan? Choose! Sanctity or Sin? Choose! Heaven or Hell? And in the choice he makes, is summed up the life of every man.